In another life
by MissRai
Summary: Yusuke Urameshi one-shot. It's a tragedy. There will be no happy ending. Mistakes were made on both sides. Perhaps if she had told him of her feelings sooner, things would be different? It's too late now. She has made peace with it and has accepted her fate.


This is a one-shot story that had been swimming in my mind for a while now and I finally was able to put it into words. It is a tragedy. There will be no happy ending. If you guys really like it and wish for me to make a few chapters of Yusuke getting to know the reader then I will do so. If not then this will stay as a one-shot. I usually give my characters names but in this one I decided to let the reader choose. _ will be whatever the reader wishes it to be. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

 _Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Dammit don't cry!'_ As she stares into those dark eyes of the one she came to love, her shame and anger built up inside. Her thoughts of violence and lashing out in hostility were beginning to overwhelm her. _'Stop staring at me.'_ The hatred in his eyes, she could tell, was rising. _'Please... just leave me be.'_

"You have nothing to say? You're just going to stare?" He spit those words at her like viper venom. "How can you forgive yourself?" Again silence. "Say something dammit!" He demanded answers of her. Answers she didn't want to give.

She bit her tongue. The words were there in her mind but refused to come out. There was a painful lump in her throat where the words had crammed themselves. They built up to a point where she wanted to vomit. Her heart raced with fear. Fear that he truly hated her for what she did. This fear that he managed to remind her of. Something she had forgotten so long ago.

"So that's it then?" His voice had lowered but was still laced with poison. Her gaze fell down to the cold tiled floor of her bedroom. She could no longer meet his chocolate eyes. "When Koenma called me into his office to tell me about our latest mission and the newest tournament for control over the demon world, about how I was supposed to be on a team with some girl I'd never heard about or seen, I thought it wasn't a big deal. Nothing I couldn't handle. I had heard rumors of you. That you were cruel and lived up to your demonic nature. When I met you, you didn't look like anything I expected. I thought you to be some sort of frightening demon. But you weren't. To me, you looked like some regular person. Someone that if I had to pick out in a crowd, wouldn't have stood out. I thought I could find a friend in you. I thought I could help you. I thought... it doesn't matter now. I see you for what you are. A monster." He could no longer look at her. His anger forced tears to swell in his eyes but he forced them away. Yusuke swiftly headed for the door and slammed it shut on his way out.

Looking past her dark curtains and through her large bedroom window, she saw as the boy clad in green made his way through the garden and past his teammates. She saw as the tall red-head tried to make conversation with the boy but he brushed him off and walked further away. Kurama turned his gaze towards the girls bedroom window and spotted her staring. She quickly shut the curtains in embarrassment and shame.

She stood like a statue for what seemed an eternity. Footsteps passing by her bedroom door were heard but she remained silent. Once she was sure no one was around to hear her, the girl fell to her knees and allowed the pent up anger to come forth in a scream. A scream in agony, frustration and pain. Her heart raced with a ferocity she had felt only in the most dire of circumstances. Like the adrenalin she'd feel in battles of life and death. Tears pooled around her eyes and streamed down her face. One after another after another the tears refused to stop.

Her voice gave out and she fell to her side. She was curled in a fetal position with tears still spilling from her. Her throat felt dry and whenever she hiccuped now and then, it felt like a knife slicing through her delicate flesh. _'How could you understand? Even if I told you the truth would you believe me?'_ At least her thoughts were safe from the curious ears that were pressed up against her bedroom door.

 _'Why am I always the one to suffer in silence? Why must I be the one to make such decisions? Why can't I... why can't I just be free?'_ Her love for the boy had grown so immensely over the year she had spent with him. She knew of the love Keiko had for him and she suffered quietly, knowing that he would never feel the same for her. However, every time she managed to make him smile or laugh, it gave her false hope that one day, perhaps, he would feel something for her. But her position made it nearly impossible for her to have such relationships and so, she chose to love him discreetly.

 _'I had to choose. Her or everyone in attendance of the tournament. Including your beloved Keiko, your sister, your friends. I chose what I thought was right. I chose... I chose you.'_

For a week now she refused to eat. She spent her days locked in her bedroom and refusing to speak to anyone. Zak, her beloved and most trusted friend would stop by and drop off food, only to notice the food from the previous day had been left untouched. His worry for her only deepened when he noticed the dark circles under her eyes. An indicator of her lack of sleep. The few times he tried to talk to her, she ignored him. She would lay in bed and roll over so her back was to him, signaling him to leave. So he did.

Saskia, her second most beloved friend and confidant, could not get through to the girl either. She worried for her and spoke to Zak about it but he was unable to help. They knew her very well and feared her depression would take hold and never let her go. Saskia would check on her every now and then as well however, the girl treated her as she did Zak. Today, she was greeted with silence as she had been the day before and the day before that. So the tall blond walked up to the girl as she lay in bed. Saskia pulled the covers over her sleeping form and quietly left thereafter.

All the while the girl suffered in her own hell, Yusuke, Kurama, Hiei and Kuwabara all trained together or separately for the upcoming battle. It was the finals of the Hell tournament to determine the new ruler of the demon realm. Yusuke would be dammed if it fell into the hands of that cruel beast Rintaiku and his team. He was sure this hell spawn would take advantage of his position and try to take over the human realm. Yusuke had no desire of becoming ruler himself but would appoint a council or just give it up to Koenma. It didn't really matter. He just wanted to get this over with so he never had to see her again.

As he punched a training dummy with his bandaged fists, he couldn't hold back the thought of what she had done. The cruelty she imposed on someone she claimed to love as her own child. Sure, he didn't know the full extent of their history but if the girl claimed to love that child as her own, then what kind of mother kills her child?

In the semi-final round, it was Lily vs. Thomas. Yusuke had warned her not to allow the child to participate in the tournament but she did so anyway. They needed one person so their 5 man and 1 extra team would be complete. She could have filled the spot with either Zak or Saskia but they had already been assigned as medics.

Zak had assured Yusuke that Lily, despite her young appearance, was very powerful and skilled. The little girl, who looked about twelve years old, was an elemental demon just like Saskia. She could control all elements and bend them to her will. Saskia had personally trained the little girl in the arts of elemental magic and was confident the girl would do well. Even so, the woman Yusuke now hated, had promised him that Lily would only fight if absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, such a time came and Lily was forced to fight.

The little girl was eager to show off her skills and underestimated her opponent Thomas. The boy had gotten the better of her and Lily could no longer hold back her demonic nature. She allowed rage and hatred to take hold, something an elemental must never do, and was quickly becoming unstable. Something that Yusuke was afraid would happen. Lily's magic was coming undone and she used fire to engulf Thomas. He disintegrated into a pile of ashes before everyone but that wasn't enough. The little girl needed more. Her blood lust had grown and needed to claim more lives to satisfy her. Lily's attention now went for the crowd of onlookers. Among them were Yusuke's friends and family.

He remembers her trying to coax Lily to stop. She tried to persuade her to calm down but it wasn't working. Lily was coming dangerously close to murdering everyone in the audience. Yusuke was about to step in and knock out Lily out in an attempt to stop her but _ reached her first. Without hesitation, _ used her demonic claws to rip through Lily's chest and destroy her heart.

Yusuke was horrified and stared in disbelief. Lily's hell fire had abruptly stopped and the audience was saved. Her small, limp and bloody body was now hanging in _ arms. She walked off the ring caring Lily close to her chest, all the while avoiding the gasps and stares of everyone around her. The ref had called the match in Lily's favor because she had killed Thomas before she herself was taken out. That ruling allowed Yusuke's team to move to the finals in 3 weeks.

The week that followed was harsh. Yusuke had lashed out at _ demanding answers to what happened but he never received any from her. Instead Zak and Saskia answered most of his questions as to why _ did what she did. Yusuke wasn't satisfied. Not untill he heard it from _ herself. He wouldn't accept any excuses that they gave for her. She needed to answer for what she did. But the answers he searched for never came.

At the end of the first week, they had buried Lily in a quiet and private ceremony. _ had not shed a single tear though she did look sad Yusuke noted. Perhaps that was just a mask she wore to deter people from asking her questions. Yusuke was done talking to her. He gave her a chance to explain and she decided to keep silent. He would pay his respects to the girl because though they had their differences, the little girl had grown on him. And after all, she was just a child who was mercilessly killed by a cruel demoness and he made sure _ knew his disgust for her.

The day before Lily's funeral was when Yusuke had confronted _ for the last time demanding answers. The day after, was the funeral and the day after that was when _ refused to leave her bedroom, eat and have any communication with anyone. Yusuke thought to himself that perhaps she had grown a conscious and became depressed at the realization of her wrongdoing. Still, he refused to see or speak to her. Whether she was feeling bad or not didn't matter anymore. He wanted to finish this tournament and have nothing to do with her ever again. One more week to go before the finals and Yusuke needed to focus on training. He needed his team to win. The faster he beat the crap out of the opposing team, the faster he would be away from her.

Week three was very much like the one before. Yusuke and his friends continued training to prepare for the finals and Zak had finally convinced _ to eat. To everyone's astonishment, the girl appeared at the breakfast table Monday morning. It was painfully evident she was malnourished and sleep deprived however, no one mentioned it.

One of the maids, Satori if Yusuke remembered correctly, brought a plate of fresh fruit and sweet french crepes. Her favorite. _ stared at them in mild disgust before deciding to take a bite. She got through one and half of another before pushing her plate away, indicating she was done eating. She brought a glass of water to her lips before again hesitating for a moment, then drank. The girl drank about half the water and set the cup down on the glass table once more.

Yusuke eyed her silently but she would not meet his gaze, nor anyone else's. Throughout the whole encounter, she remained silent and eyes cast down. A glazed look in her honey- colored orbs was evident due to lack of sleep, he assumed. Good. Perhaps she was having nightmares of what she did to Lily. That was the least she deserved as punishment, in his opinion. Something more severe should be enacted but he was neither judge nor executioner.

Tired of staring at her, Yusuke quickly finished up his pancakes and without a word, he headed towards the back door that lead to the training grounds. Hiei, ever silent, held onto an apple as he too excused himself and followed Yusuke out. Kurama held a cupcake gently in both hands and walked up to the girl. With a soft smile and kind eyes he placed it down in front of her. It was her favorite type. Chocolate cupcake with vanilla filling and red icing.

"I saved it for you. I hope you enjoy it." His voice was soft, calm and gentle as usual. _ 's right index finger twitched ever so slightly at his gesture. She wanted to say 'thank you' but the words never came out. She remained silent and could not look up at him. After a brief moment, the red-head dismissed himself and only Kuwabara, Zak and Saskia remained.

"I, uh, I'd better get training too." Kuwabara finally spoke up. He stared at Zak and Saskia because it was easier to do so than to look at her. "Can't let Urameshi surpass me you know?" His awkward laugh that followed hurt her. She knew he didn't want to be left alone with her. whether it was fear or his disgust for her, she knew he wanted nothing to do with her, just like Yusuke. Again she remained silent and Kuwabara left without another word.

"Don't mind them _." Saskia softly spoke. She smiled brightly at the girl. "They just don't understand." The blond's hand held onto _'s gently and gave a small reassuring squeeze.

"You up for some training?" Zak had his arms crossed over his chest. He had an annoyed look on his face. He was irritated and angry at Yusuke and his team for the way they were treating _ but he said nothing to her about it.

She let out a gentle sigh. In a soft whisper the blond replied, "We know you. We know how much it hurt you to do what you did _. But you are the only one strong enough to make the decisions we can not. No one understands that better than us." Zak nodded in agreement. The girl took a bite of the cupcake and savored its delicate taste in silence.

"We can start off with simple exercises to get your strength back up and progress to more intense training later, when you're up for it." Zak offered.

The girl grabbed her glass of water from the table and finished it. "Yeah," was all she said before carefully pushing her chair back and standing up. She gazed up at Saskia who was smiling broadly. The blond was happy _ finally spoke after two weeks of depressing silence.

The last week leading up to the finals was pretty uneventful. _ would train with Saskia and Zak in private. It was either very early in the morning when Yusuke and the gang were still asleep or, later in the evening when everyone was getting ready for bed. _ expressed her desire to stay away from the punk kid and his friends. Zak and Saskia understood completely and complied with the girls request without hesitation.

Every now and then during training, _ would abruptly stop and tears would fall from her eyes. Her friends knew she was still mentally struggling with what had occurred. Physically, she was gaining her strength back quickly but her brain need to catch up. She would force the thoughts away in an attempt to appear strong willed but Zak and Saskia knew better. Their words of comfort and understanding went unheard to the girl. She knew they were trying but her mind wouldn't accept it. Still, she pushed through and two days before the finals, _'s body almost reflected what it once was. She still appeared a little malnourished but overall she was back to her old self, physically at least.

In those last two days, the girl was locked in her room. She came down for breakfast, lunch and dinner but other than that, she remained in solitude. Every once in a while, she would pull back her curtains and watched Yusuke and his friends train in silence. The day of the finals was fast approaching and she wanted to have peace of mind before the final battle ensued.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Desperation rang in her voice as she screamed her name. _! Saskia ran onto the fighting platform where her friend's body lay. Frantically, the blond placed her shaking hands over the girls bloody body. "I can heal her I know I can!" she focused her healing magic on the gaping wound Rintaiku left where her heart should have been.

Zak came up behind Saskia and rested a hand on her shoulder. "It's over Saskia." He whispered but the blond wouldn't budge.

"Don't say that!" She screamed. "I can save her!" Saskia poured whatever was left of her healing magic into helping _.

"She's gone and you will be too if you keep it up." Zak pulled Saskia away, though she struggled against him.

Yusuke lay next to the girl, unable to move. Her lifeless corpse stared back at him. Her eyes were dull and her skin began to turn grey. Blood seeped from her wound, down her abdomen and legs. Her last words rang painfully in his head. _'I'm sorry.'_

Rintaiku was losing the battle to Yusuke. In his desperation, the god-like demon used a forbidden technique. One that only demons of his level could use. In his weakened state, this was his last resort. He had trapped Yusuke using a paralyzing poison that flowed through his claws. Unable to move, Yusuke just stood like a statue awaiting the demon to attack. He was a sitting duck.

Rintaiku recited a chant that no one but _, Zak, Saskia, Hiei and Kurama understood. It was an ancient and powerful incantation long thought to have been forgotten to all but a select few. Final grudge was what it was known as. No matter how much stronger or weaker your opponent may be, Final grudge would steal their life along with the users. Their souls would become one and be taken away to face judgement.

"If I am to die here, I will take you with me." Rintaiku wheezed out. Extending his right arm towards Yusuke, he screamed, "DIE!" with is last breath. The demon's hand was glowing a brilliant gold color. All it would take was one touch of Rintaiku's hand and Yusuke's soul would be entwined with his. Then, they would both die.

No one paid _ any mind since they were all focused on the battle between Yusuke and Rintaiku. The second she heard the demon recite the ancient verse, she jumped from her seat in the sidelines and raced over to Yusuke. She didn't care if he hated her. She didn't care if this would disqualify the team. She didn't care about anything or anyone but Yusuke. She needed to get to Yusuke before the demon touched him. Just before Rintaiku could reach Yusuke, _ pushed the boy out of the way in the nick of time.

Yusuke dropped to the floor since he was still paralyzed from earlier. He was however, able to see what happened next. Rintaiku's golden hand had gone through _ chest and came out the other side. He squeezed her heart in his hand. Her eyes had gone wide and she coughed up blood. The girl lifted up both arms and grasped Rintaiku's arm that was protruding from her chest. She held onto him tightly.

The team was horrified. Too stunned to think, they were frozen in place for a few seconds. After the initial shock passed however, Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara and Zak all made a move to help _ but it was too late. They were too far away to reach her in time and inside they knew the girl would die within seconds.

"Let's go to hell together." She managed to croak out to the demon. Yusuke felt as though everything that followed was going in slow motion. He saw her limp body fall in unison with Rintaikus'. The demon fell backwards and hers fell to Yusukes' side. Her head turned to him and she gave a weak, soft, smile. With her dying breath she whispered to him, "I'm sorry." Seconds later, her eyes went dull and lifeless. Her smile faded and she was gone. Then came Saskia's scream.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The funeral was a three days after her death. It had taken so long because they needed to go through the victory ceremony. The team had won the tournament since Rintaiku was dead and there were no other opponents left. As the referee congratulated each and every one of them, they offered no smile and no thank you speeches. They wanted to get this over with and attend to _ corpse that was now being held tightly by Zak.

He sat far in the distance on the arena wall. His head buried in _'s lifeless shoulders and his face covered by her soft brown hair. Saskia was sobbing uncontrollably next to him. The blond was covering Zak's shirt in her tears and smeared mascara. She clung to his arm like a lifeline.

Kurama spoke with Koenma and had the spirit world ruler take care of any other arrangements that needed to be made after the tournament. Zak and Saskia needed to make preparations for _'s burial and ceremony. On the day it took place, Yusuke and the team, along with their friends and family were in attendance. Koenma and Boton were there too and of course Zak and Saskia.

Koenma took care of the farewell speech as _'s body was slowly being lowered into the ground. Everyone remained silent except for Saskia and Boton who were sobbing loudly. Kuwabara allowed tears to silently fall down his face. Once Koenma finished he asked if anyone wanted to say their final goodbye's to the girl.

Everyone took a turn to say why they loved or admired _. Saskia was too worked up to say anything and Zak was doing his best to comfort her. The last person to speak was Keiko. She said a few kind words as she and _ never really got along. Keiko knew of the girls' feelings towards Yusuke so that caused a rift in their potential friendship. However, she still said a few kind things as not to be disrespectful.

Yusuke was the only one who remained silent throughout everything. Even Hiei had said his goodbyes to her but not Yusuke. The boy remained long after _'s body had been buried. He stared at the tombstone that marked where she now lay at rest. The sun was begining to set but he had no intention of leaving. He heard a few footsteps in the distance that gradually became louder untill they stopped right behind him.

There was some hesitation, but eventually the person spoke. It was Zak. "This was addressed to you." Was all he said as he handed Yusuke a piece of paper that had been folded in half. It read, 'To Yusuke.' The boy instantly recognized the writing. It was _'s.

Before Yusuke even thought of opening it, Zak continued, "She did what she thought was right. _ put your life and everyone else's as first priority before Lily's. You know perfectly well how much she loved that child. But you don't know the whole story. You don't know how unstable Lily truly was. Saskia told her so. Saskia and I confirmed it. Lily was much too powerful for her own good and all that magic pent up inside her would one day surface out of control. _ didn't want to belive that. She thought she could help Lily control it. Help her contain the hate and keep her calm. Lily, time and time again, proved Saskia and I right. No matter how much _ tried to make excuses for the girl, Lily was too damaged to be allowed to live. Yet, _ did not give up hope. Untill she saw what happened when she faced off against Thomas. _ finally knew it was far too late to try and save her. The only option she had left was something _ kept putting off. She had to kill Lily. It was the only way to set her soul free from all the gathered hatred and violence that she had closely confined in her heart. But you only saw what _ did, not what was behind those actions. She did it for you. For everyone. And you hated her for it. I owe you no explanation and I'm not telling you this so you can forgive _. I'm telling you this so you can live the rest of your life knowing you hated someone who was strong enough to do what the rest of us couldn't. Killing off the one thing in your life you thought you were doing right." Zak left without another word and the boy was alone again.

There was a moment of hesitation but eventually, Yusuke opened the letter. With the help of the setting sun's light, he began to mentally read the letter written by _, that was dated one day before the final tournament took place.

 _'Dear Yusuke,_

 _I don't even know how to begin writing this to you. I don't even know why I'm doing this to be honest. Well let's get this over with shall we? You asked me how on earth could I forgive myself for what I did to Lily. The answer is that I haven't and never will. I have a terrible feeling that I won't be able to see you anymore and that scares me more than this stupid tournament or the fact that when I die I know I won't be going to a good place. For all the things that I have done and said, I know I won't go where I wish I could._

 _I just want... I just want you to know that I... that I've always admired you. Your fearlessness, your bravery, your strength and your passion. You accepted me as a friend and I will forever be grateful for that. Even after learning of what a horrible person I was, demon or not, you still gave me a chance. You saw past my hardened exterior and saw me for who I truly was. A scared little girl who all she wanted was a friend._

 _I can not even begin to tell you how much regret I have been feeling over these past three weeks. I can not eat, I can not sleep and at times it feels like I can not breathe. The way you look at me tears out a piece of my soul everyday. My heart breaks away into small nothings. With each glare and each hateful comment I die a little more inside. Can I sink further down into this bottomless pit of despair?_

 _I'm just going to say it. I know it means nothing to you and that's ok. I want to say it because I feel like I will never see you again and that's fine. I want you to know because If I don't tell you now, I never will._

 _Yusuke I..._

 _I love you._

 _At least I think I do. I hid my feelings towards you because you already have someone. I couldn't bear to be the reason why you two might have a falling out. And even if your feelings are not reciprocated, It's alright. I just want you to know that my feelings for you will never change. I don't want this to change our friendship, or at least what is left of it, if any._

 _I want you to know, regardless of these feelings of love and admiration towards you, it will not change the fact that I will do whatever I can to help you, how a real friend should. Even if you hate me, If you were to come to me and ask for my help, I would oblige in a heartbeat._

 _I'm sorry. A thousand times I apologize for hurting you so deeply. It was never my intention of doing so. What I did to Lily was unforgivable, I know. I will live with it for the rest of my days. There is never a second that goes by that she and what I did to her, is not with me. I want to ask for your forgiveness but if you do not want to give it, that's alright. I accept your punishment. Just please... don't shut me out completely._

 _Maybe we will meet again in another life._

 _Maybe we can be the best of friends._

 _I'd really like that._

 _Sincerely yours,_

 __.'_

Yusuke's tears stained the hand written letter. He felt stupid and in this moment he wished he could have taken her place. He folded up the letter and stuffed it in his pants' pocket. Yusuke placed a gentle hand on her tombstone. He closed his eyes and whispered, "I love you too."


End file.
